


lost.

by RyuuKevin



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But there's comfort, Canon Divergence, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Romance, M/M, PTSD, Self-Hatred, byaichi, canonAU, mild romance, more on hurt, postwarAU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-16
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:28:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28787952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyuuKevin/pseuds/RyuuKevin
Summary: Kurosaki Ichigo has never felt so lost in his life but he soon finds out that he wasn't alone.[Main paring: Byakuya x Ichigo (ByaIchi)][Happy birthday to me LMAO]
Relationships: Abarai Renji & Kuchiki Rukia & Kurosaki Ichigo, Kuchiki Byakuya & Kurosaki Ichigo, Kuchiki Byakuya/Kurosaki Ichigo, Kuchiki Rukia & Kurosaki Ichigo, Kyouraku Shunsui & Kurosaki Ichigo, Kyouraku Shunsui & Ukitake Juushirou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	lost.

**Author's Note:**

> HI everyone! Yes, I made a fanfic for myself for my own birthday because I wanted to so I hope you all enjoy. This is actually an alternative way on how Ablaze, my other fic, ended because Ablaze is a darker version of this.
> 
> Welp, go ahead and read the story! Links of everything are below.

_I have never felt so lost in my life._

The man froze in place as he heard the screams of help surround him. He could feel his chest tightening in an uncomfortable pain. Pain was never unfamiliar to him but now, it felt different. It felt more intense than ever.

His sharp amber eyes looked around. Rubbles of destroyed buildings scattered from left to right. It was a horror show. It felt like it was the end of the world with the state Soul Society was in. He never liked it there but there are people he cares about living there.

"Am I too late?" He muttered under his breath. It was impossible but he never left out the possibility of someone he's close to dying or had a major injury. The man could feel it.

Just then, he felt a very familiar reiatsu. It was faint and quite far away but fear suddenly engulfed him. It was wavering and it was as if it was dying. A chill ran down his spine.

He shook it off and used shunpo quickly to head towards the faint reiatsu. He doesn't want to be right. He doesn't want to see someone he knows dying in front of him. It would hurt all over again.

He ignored the companions he was with as he continued heading towards the reiatsu. He couldn't care less if he was off track. His focus was drowned to what seems to be only the reiatsu that was right in front of him.

The man could feel his footsteps getting heavier by the moment and his heart sank lower as he approached his destination.

_Please let me be wrong._

He doesn't even know if he could make it considering how weak it was but he shook it off and mustered everything in his powers to run towards it at maximum speed. Strength was draining from him very slowly but he couldn't even care.

_Please,_ _ **please**_ _let me be wrong._

After a few more steps, he finally arrived.

His breath hitched at the view. It was horrible. It was _painful_ to see it. He tried to take in what was happening. The area was completely destroyed. There was some leftover footing that he could still walk on but a lot of the parts were destroyed. He had to hold in his breath because as soon as he arrived, the stench of blood wafted in the air that made him almost gag.

His amber eyes widened and it was filled with anger, sorrow and pain as his gaze fell upon the man that was stuck on the bloodied wall. He guessed that the blood on the floor was from the broken man too.

There he was, Kuchiki Byakuya. He gulped silently as he observed him. Bloodied and beaten, the man has lost his arm and his body was nowhere near in good condition. It felt like he was drawing his last breath every time and it put the man on edge.

Kurosaki Ichigo had no words to express what he felt right now. He thinks that words don't do him justice anymore.

Ichigo shook his head to get out of his own negative thoughts and gathered up the courage to approach the man. It was difficult to say the least. Honestly, earlier he didn't know whether his grip on his zanpakuto or knees would give up first from the sight but he held on.

Relief washed over him when he could still see the man's chest rising and falling as he walked closer and he was still letting out weakened reiatsu but it soon disappeared as his eyes darkened when he took in a closer look.

_It was more severe than I thought._

It was definitely a miracle or sheer stubbornness that the man was breathing, let alone letting out reiatsu to signal that he was there. Ichigo couldn't find the words to say to the man but he _knew_ he needed to say something. _Anything._

"Byakuya," came the weak call. It was something at least.

Dull slate gray eyes looked up from the ground and tried to keep eye contact with him. It pained the orange head greatly to see such a proud and strong man looking that weak and helpless. He moved around to face him fully to not strain the man further.

His mind drifted to different ways to save the captain of the 6th. There were a lot of options that seemed impossible but there were others that it's possible enough for him to live longer than he showed.

He almost ignored the way Byakuya's lips were slowly moving as he said something. He then snapped out of his reverie once he noticed and leaned in closer to hear what the man was saying.

"Are Renji and Rukia… alive?"

Pain constricted the orange head's chest. _Why do you sound like you're dying?_

"They're alive… They're fine…," came the strained reply. He couldn't hide it well as he thought he could.

"I see… Good…"

_Are you really giving up now, Byakuya?_

He clenched his fist in anger. Why was the captain of the 6th acting like he was saying goodbye? He wouldn't let it happen. He _doesn't_ want it to happen. He held his breath. He needed to do something.

"Please protect Soul Society," Byakuya said with a broken voice. It made Ichigo clench his teeth.

_Don't give up now._

"Wait, Byakuya!" He said frantically, "Don't you dare give up now!"

Ichigo approached him even closer to try to settle the man down on the broken floor very carefully but it was definitely better than being stuck on the wall and letting himself drop on the ground soon after.

"There's no use… I will not last much longer."

"There is!" Ichigo shouted. He wanted to cry. "I will find a way, Byakuya. I _will_ save you."

A strangled laugh came from the noble which slightly startled the orange head, "You have always been a stubborn one, Kurosaki Ichigo."

This time, a strained smile etched on the younger man's face, "Hell yeah, I am." But then it slowly fell to a frown as he slowly stood up, "Now be the stubborn asshole that you are and stay put. I _will_ find a way."

Weak fingers wrapped around the man's wrist which made Ichigo stop in his tracks. He looked down at the pained man as he spoke, "Let go, Byakuya. I won't make it if you don't."

"I'll be fine. You should leave me be."

"No!" The orange head exclaimed with much pain that even the noble could feel it, "I will not give up on you Byakuya so don't you give up on yourself!"

A few beats passed before Byakuya said as he slowly let Ichigo's wrist go, "You're crying."

"Huh?" The orange head blinked as he felt something slowly stream down on his cheek. He lifted up his hand to wipe it off and it was really tears. He can't believe he's crying right now.

"Are you alright?" Byakuya asked weakly.

Ichigo managed to laugh bitterly as he wiped off his remaining tears, "I should be the one to ask you that." He then looked at the man seriously, "I'm serious, Byakuya. Wait for me. I'll come back for you."

A small smile managed to form on the noble's lips, "I will wait for you, Ichigo."

* * *

* * *

Ichigo panted as he could feel his knees buckle in fatigue. The war has finally ended and Ywach has been defeated by his own hands. He could feel how Abarai Renji and Inoue Orihime were tired as well as they dropped on the ground with slight relief washing over them.

"It's over," Renji said as he caught his breath, "It's finally over, Ichigo."

"Yeah," the orange head breathed out. Everything was now over and everything could slowly go back to normal.

"Kurosaki-kun," Orihime called out timidly as she healed Renji, "Do you need me to heal anything?"

Ichigo slowly stood up and tried to shake off his weakening legs, "Nah, I'm good, Orihime. Thank you though."

He tried his best to stand up fully. His mind was distracted, he knows that for a fact. A huge slash across his chest was a sign of that. He was distracted because he was thinking of the weakened Byakuya back in Soul Society, lying down with little reiatsu left.

_I need to go to him._

He promised that he would come back for him and he never backs down on his promises. He started walking despite the pain, ignoring the calls again from Renji and Orihime who couldn't do anything but stay still because they couldn't move much.

"Ichigo!" Renji tried one last time, "Where are you going?!"

"To Byakuya," was the man's response before disappearing into thin air due to the intense speed of his shunpo.

* * *

* * *

He gritted his teeth as he approached the ruined area where he left Byakuya sometime ago. He was worried. _Very_ worried because he couldn't feel his reiatsu. He doesn't know whether the noble's reiatsu disappeared or was it too weak for his mediocre skills to detect.

_Let me make it._

_Please._

_Let me make it._

Ichigo rushed despite the pain he felt all over his body. He knew the pain he felt was nothing compared to what Byakuya was feeling now so he couldn't complain. He doesn't want to complain about it at all. He doesn't have the time to complain when all he thinks about is saving the noble.

When he arrived at the location, his eyes immediately searched around the area, hoping to find the noble in the same spot as where he left him. He was hoping that the noble won't be too stubborn and crawled somewhere else or just really let himself die.

He would revive him to kill him himself.

Or... maybe not.

His eyes then landed on the bloody area and his heart skipped a beat when the man's body was still lying there. Was he breathing? He dashed towards him, a string of hopefulness was filling in him as he muttered.

_Why couldn't I sense a thing?_

He held his breath as he went closer. He squinted his eyes to see if the man's chest was moving.

One.

Two.

It rose.

It fell.

It rose again.

Hope lit his cold eyes up now and dropped his knees beside Byakuya. He made it. But another problem entered once more. How will he bring the man to safety without straining the noble's body even more?

"I'm back, Byakuya," he whispered. He then noticed the man might've passed out because there was no response. He racked up some ways for the man to be brought to the 4th Division.

He ripped the top part of his shihakusho off and wrapped it around the noble's fragile frame to avoid anything happening when he used his full speed shunpo. It probably isn't enough but it was better than nothing.

Ichigo slowly picked him up, surprised at how light the man was. He was relieved that the noble was breathing evenly. Perhaps to most people it would be a shock that he was still breathing if they saw what his condition was right now.

He took a breath then started to use shunpo towards the 4th Division. He made sure that he was careful in his steps but at the same time, he was hurrying because if he won't then maybe he won't make it.

* * *

* * *

Ichigo kicked the doors to the 4th Division open, ignoring the hardening glances from the division members rushing left and right or the fearful looks from the others that were spooked by the doors breaking from the orange head's kick.

Kotetsu Isane immediately appeared because of the commotion, her irritated gaze looked at the half naked and definitely injured Ichigo right at the entrance. She was already having a hard time handling the division as it is.

"What's with all the commotion?" She asked irritably as she strode over the orange head, "Why did you have to break the division's doors."

"Byakuya!" Ichigo exclaimed desperately as he clutched the torn cloth tighter, "Please, save him!"

Isane, confused, looked down at the cloth and her eyes widened in shock at the captain's condition now that she had taken a closer look at it. It was severe, too severe. She wondered how the noble had managed to live until now but she shook away the thoughts and nodded towards the orange head.

"Follow me to the emergency room. Quickly!"

Both of them briskly walked through the corridors as they went towards an available emergency room. Ichigo had cold sweat as his grip tightened. The only thing in his mind right now was heading to the room, ignoring his own pain. Isane called out multiple shinigami to follow them quickly so they could start the operation immediately.

"Is he still breathing?"

"Yes!" the orange head replied, "I wouldn't be this desperate if he wasn't."

Isane then opened the available room and gave way to Ichigo. The orange head then gently laid the noble down on the operation table. The captain of the 4th then gently pushed Ichigo away and out of the room. She can't have any distractions while saving the noble's life, which felt so fragile that any wrong move would be very deadly.

"You can't be here," she said almost regretfully, "But we will start the operation now."

Ichigo couldn't even retort or fight anything back as she hurriedly closed the doors and did as she promised. It took a few moments before the orange head could feel the physical, mental and emotional fatigue that he felt during the war. It felt like it was weighing him down so much that he dropped on the cold chair across from the room ungracefully.

He let out a shaky breath and looked down at his hands. It was covered in blood. _Byakuya's blood_. The orange head wanted to vomit all of a sudden at the sight of it. When he moved to adjust himself from his seat, he groaned when he could feel the large, gaping wound affecting him after the adrenaline disappeared from him slowly.

"Ah, I forgot about this," Ichigo chuckled dryly. His thoughts were purely about the dying man that he didn't notice about his own injuries.

Suddenly, a thought came in his head, "Shit, what happened to the others?!"

He stood up to go look for them but suddenly felt dizzy, dropping back on the chair to catch his breath again. _Fuck_. He lost more blood than he thought. He tried to get up again but was stopped when a firm hand held him in place.

In a slight daze, he looked up and was met with worried but at the same time stern purple eyes. _Rukia_. He looked back down and coughed that made quite a nasty sound.

"You fool!" Kuchiki Rukia exclaimed, "What are you doing, overexerting yourself?!"

Ichigo coughed once more, "I… was gonna look for you guys."

"I am remotely fine," she replied, "I came here as soon as I heard some orange head _crashed_ down the doors of the 4th Division."

The orange head clenched his teeth as he slowly gripped the front of the woman's shihakusho with a desperate hold. He croaked, "I'm sorry. I was too slow."

No. He did the best he can but he felt like it was his fault that the noble was close to dying right now.

Rukia was shocked. She didn't expect for the orange head to break down like this. She didn't expect it at all. Sure, she was worried about the man's condition and she rushed to the division to check up on her brother and Ichigo but she never expected this from Ichigo. Breaking down for the noble.

"Don't act like he's dead!" Rukia said as she shook him lightly, "He held on long, right? There must be a reason why he's breathing now- and that's you, Ichigo. He _can_ be saved because of you."

"But, what if it's too late?" Ichigo said in pain, "Fuck, why didn't I learn the basic healing kido-"

"Don't think of that," she scolded but then her voice softens slightly, "Nii-sama is strong and he will pull through. Believe in him, Ichigo."

Rukia couldn't fathom that the proud 'hero' of Soul Society was shaking right in front of her right now. She couldn't bear to see him like this but she tried to say the words that seemed right at this moment.

And dear Kami, she hopes she said something right.

A few moments passed before the shaking stopped. The woman then observed the younger shinigami longer and her eyes widened in realization.

"Wait, what happened to your clothes?" she questioned, "And why didn't you get healed?"

Ichigo let out a shaky breath, "I tore it to wrap Byakuya in it."

"And your injuries?"

"I never thought of it. I was too focused on bringing Byakuya back."

Rukia sighed. He never learned to take care of himself. She then pried off the man's weak grip on her shihakusho, "I'll look for Orihime and Renji now so you can get a chance to heal."

"...Thanks."

* * *

* * *

A few hours had passed and Ichigo made no move to leave the chair that was in front of the room where Isane and the other shinigami were still busy healing the noble. He didn't even flinch when Orihime and Renji came once Rukia found them.

Orihime immediately went to his side and started to heal him.

"Thanks, Orihime," the orange head whispered.

Concerned, she nodded, "Of course." It has been a long since she has seen Ichigo like that so it was pretty nerve wracking.

"How's the taichou?" Renji asked as he looked at the closed door. The red head was silently concerned for both men so he went despite the painful injuries he felt.

"Isane hasn't come out yet," came the harsh whisper. He was breaking into a cold sweat again as he thought all of the negative possibilities in his mind.

Renji looked down and saw the surprising poor state of the orange head. He spoke softly, "He's strong, Ichigo. He'll be fine."

The red head didn't even wait for the reply anymore because he knew that Ichigo wouldn't say a thing because he was holding his breath, waiting for good or bad news to happen as soon as the doors to the room open.

Everything has calmed down by then. Calm down meaning that no one was running to and fro or stumbling down the corridors in a rush. Most have settled in already and all the major injuries were taken care of. The only thing left was the one with mild injuries.

Renji and Orihime left for a while once she finished patching Ichigo up. The orange head looked good as new except for the darkening gaze he kept giving the room and his torn shihakusho. Rukia returned after a while as well and sat at the empty space beside the man.

"Any news?" She asked warily. She only got a small 'no' as a response.

She sighed deeply. So many things had happened that she had a difficult time processing everything. A lot of the people she cared about were gone, especially her former captain Ukitake Juushiro. Even Unohana Retsu has left them as well.

Rukia gritted her teeth. Her brother was in a critical condition that she can only pray that the operation will come out successfully. She didn't see how bad it was and it would only make her cry once and for all if she saw it.

"Is it bad?" she asked in a whisper. The silence felt so fragile right now.

It took awhile for Ichigo to respond but he did, "Yeah. Everyone was surprised that he even made it here."

She slowly leaned back on the chair and sighed, "If I was the one who saw him, I don't think I have the power to even move anymore."

"I almost didn't."

Rukia eyed the orange head who looked too serious, even worse than his trademark scowl. She doesn't know why it affected him so but she knew better than to question it.

He resumed, "I thought he was gone when I went there but he was breathing. He even wasted his breath to tell me to protect Soul Society." He chuckled dryly, "I told him to be a stubborn asshole and to wait for me."

"...I see the reason why now."

This made Ichigo break off the long eye contact he had with the door and looked over at Rukia, "What reason?"

"Reason why he was able to live long enough for you to save him," she replied, "He knew you would keep your promise and… you promised that you would come back for him."

Ichigo averted his gaze on the floor as he knitted his hands together tightly, "But I think I was too slow."

"I'm sure you weren't. You did the best you can."

Something snapped in Ichigo that made him glare at the woman, "My best?! It wasn't enough! Look at your brother, he's there on the table dying! I'm not even sure if they're doing anything right now!"

It was her turn to glare back, "Yes, Ichigo. You _did_ your best! And yes, they're doing something and they're doing the best they can to save him."

He stood up abruptly, "Then why do I feel like this?!"

"Because you literally saw him at his worst," she retorted, "and on the brink of death on top of that. Don't forget that because of you, he has a chance to live!"

He visibly clenched his fists but slowly slumped back down on the chair. He was worked up for a lot of things. He felt like everything was his fault. He wasn't strong enough. He wasn't enough. _He_ wasn't enough.

"You can't save everyone, Ichigo." Rukia said solemnly, "There were deaths that you couldn't prevent."

"But I could've lessened the chance."

"And you're doing that with nii-sama," she retorted, quite frustrated with the man now, "If you think that he will pass then, we can't really do anything about it."

"How could you say that?" Ichigo asked brokenly.

"I never said I would've accepted it," Rukia said firmly, "But there are truths that we simply have to accept."

When the orange head never replied, she sighed once more, "I think you should rest up at the manor, Ichigo. You don't have your injuries but you need rest."

"You can go ahead," he replied, "You look dead on your feet."

Rukia had a small smile, "You too, you know. You look even worse."

"I know."

Their silence slowly simmered down to a less fragile one compared to the one earlier. Perhaps releasing it while shouting at each other was a relief on its own. Emotions welled up within the both of them and simply letting things out won't cut it for them. Nothing normally at least.

Rukia noticed a few shinigami passing by, possibly from the 4th Division with the medical that they were carrying. She overheard a few words coming from them.

"...What is Kurosaki Ichigo doing there? Kuchiki Rukia too.."

"Shh. I heard that Kuchiki-taichou was severely injured and was taken to the emergency room."

"Wasn't it Kurosaki who broke down our door with Kuchiki-taichou in his arms?"

"I understand why Kuchiki-fukutaichou is there sitting but why is he there…?"

A menacing glare coming from the 13th Division lieutenant made them stop their conversation and ran away cowardly when they felt the glare and the scary reiatsu she was letting out.

"Let them be, Rukia."

She looked over at him with a frown, "They were being nosy people, you know."

"I heard," he replied monotonously, "But even I don't know why I feel this way or why I reacted so strongly."

She never said anything but he knows that Rukia still held her frown, wanting to say something but she never uttered a word after that. They were right, he concluded. Was he that guilty so he's stuck here? They weren't as attached to each other and were merely acquaintances so, why?

He wanted to figure it out but at the same time, he'd rather not.

Just when they both thought that the air around them was less tense, the door to the room opened. Both Rukia and Ichigo immediately stood up with serious faces and there was one thing that's on their mind. _Is he okay?_

Isane walked towards them. She looked very tired. It was understandable since she has been working for hours and she only stopped now. She took a breath, a different air from the seemingly stuffy room.

"How is he?" Rukia asked first. She doesn't think that the orange head could muster up to speak right now.

The other wiped the sweat off her forehead, "He barely managed but he lives, fortunately."

A sigh of relief both escaped the two shinigami who were waiting outside. Ichigo was grateful that he at least saved the noble.

"But due to his injuries, he won't be awake anytime soon."

"How long then?" Ichigo managed to ask but it came out as a harsh whisper.

"I have to say… a week but it can even stretch to a month," Isane said with a frown, "His body and possibly his own soul would've been shredded to smithereens due to the power of his bankai but he made it."

A victim of his own bankai. How unfortunate.

Rukia clenched her fists. She was glad that she defeated As Nodt for her and her brother.

"How was his arm?" Ichigo asked quietly.

The captain shook her head, "I'm sure you already know it was missing so we couldn't do anything about it. I don't think the 12th Division has a safe way to give it back."

Rukia looked at Ichigo, "Which arm was lost?"

"His right."

Ichigo didn't even need to say anything more than necessary because the both of them knew that Byakuya losing his right arm was something fatal as a fighter. He is more proficient in using the standard form of his zanpakuto with his right arm.

The orange head clenched his fists once more, "Damn it."

"It's not your fault, Ichigo."

He knows it. He really does but who can he blame but himself. He heard the enemy Byakuya dealt with was defeated by Rukia so that was solved and everything but he still thinks it was his own damn fault.

"We shall bring him to a normal room so he can rest properly," Isane said gently.

Rukia nodded gratefully, "Thank you so much, Isane-san."

"No problem. It is my job," She replied, "But I'm really glad he made it."

Rukia looked over at Ichigo and saw that he wasn't listening at all. She sighed and smiled weakly back at the new captain, "Me too."

* * *

* * *

"I'm _fine_ , Rukia."

The woman ignored the orange head's words as she deliberately pushed him out of the 4th Division office. It has been days since the operation of Byakuya and he hasn't woken up. What brought pain to Rukia was that Ichigo never budged from the seat in the noble's room. She even took awhile before she got him to agree to eat.

"I'm not going to listen to you," she said as she pushed more, "You look practically dead so you should rest at least for a day."

"But-"

"I can watch over my brother," she replied then raised an eyebrow, "You're acting like he's your lover or something."

Ichigo blinked a few times and embarrassment crept up his face as he sputtered, "Wait, what? No! I-"

Rukia shushed him, "I'm only kidding. What I'm serious about is that you need to rest."

The orange head sighed when he could hear how firm the woman's words were and there wasn't room for any kind of argument. Reluctantly, he agreed. He was feeling like shit even if his physical injuries have already healed. He could definitely feel his body being tired just for staying up continuously.

"Where will I stay?" Ichigo muttered as he let Rukia push him.

"In the manor," she replied, "There are way too many vacant rooms there."

An eyebrow was raised, "Would Byakuya be fine with that?"

"You came back for him and saved him. I don't think he'd be mad about the idea of you staying there for a while."

The orange head pressed his lips into a thin line. It probably wasn't a bad idea and he needed a place to stay for awhile. He decided long ago that he would stay in Soul Society because his powers were too powerful for the souls in the world of the living. It was best for everyone and he slowly accepted it's good for himself as well.

Rukia stopped pushing him when she felt that the man wasn't fighting back anymore. One time she tried to bring him out of the room, he always used shunpo to come back. Maybe he was very weak by now that he couldn't even fight back with his usual spirit.

But it wasn't like he was the same person before the war. He has grown distant and seemed almost broken. The woman understood, however. Such a thing could change you and seeing so many events unfolding right in front of you could change anyone.

Maybe that's why she was taken aback when he broke down a bit when he brought Byakuya to the 4th Division. It wasn't in his character and even she knew that their relationship with each other isn't on best terms for Ichigo to break down for him. So, why?

Perhaps that question will be left unanswered.

The two finally arrived at the manor and Rukia was glad because the silence was almost deafening. The gates opened and they were greeted respectfully by the guards of the household.

The manor wasn't left untouched by the war. Some of the unused places were broken and there were a few injured staff but other than that, it was the same. Beautiful and regal, like the current heir. The staff were very concerned for the noble but they had the same relief that he survived.

The head of the staff greeted them as well and directed them to a safe living room area while they prepared the room of Ichigo like how Rukia requested. They weren't about to be rude towards an esteemed guest and the person who saved their master in the brink of death.

After a while, Renji also popped in to say hi. He apologized to Ichigo for not being around. With the 6th Division captain out of commission for a while, he had to step in and hold up the division by himself. Which made the orange head wonder how Rukia was able to visit him despite her handling the division on her own as well.

"How are you holding up?" Rukia asked as the red head plopped down beside her.

"I could use a drink," he responded honestly which earned some chuckles.

"I don't think you can drink on the job," Ichigo jokes.

The red head snorted, "Yeah, I can't. The division should be good when taichou gets back or I'll get my ass kicked."

The three chatted for a while before they needed to get back to their own respective divisions to help their members fix up Soul Society. Days had already passed but a lot of the places were still in ruins and a lot of people were having a hard time recovering from their weakened forces.

"You should visit Kyouraku-soutaichou soon," Rukia said, "I think both of you need to chat."

Ichigo nodded hesitantly, "When the time comes."

They then bid their goodbyes and used shunpo to get out of there. Ichigo had to let out a sigh once he felt like he was alone in the room. He still felt like everything around him was heavy. The atmosphere, the air, his body, his mind. Everything.

Just then, the head staff entered the room and bowed respectfully, "Your room is ready, Kurosaki-dono."

It irked Ichigo when he was called too respectfully but nodded anyways, "Thanks."

As he slowly got up, the staff asked, "Would you like a meal after you rest?"

The orange head pondered before replying, "If I wake up then yeah that sounds good."

The staff nodded and guided him through the long corridors to his room. He was noted that the room he would be using was a spare room that was only two rooms away from Byakuya's. The guest rooms were destroyed during the war so it was the best place for him to stay.

Ichigo gulped at the thought of him being near Byakuya's space. It was weird. But he dismissed the thought because he bet that the noble would kick him out once he wakes up and returns from the hospital. Him staying there was only temporary. He figured he was only allowed because Rukia said so.

The staff left him alone once they arrived at Ichigo's room to give him space to look around. The orange head thanked him before sliding the shoji door open. It was a bigger space than he was used to. A large drawer at the far left end, a large calligraphy framed on the wall in the center, a reasonably sized table with cushions at the center and a futon at the far right.

It felt empty. Or perhaps it was bigger and the decorations weren't really helping with the size. Ichigo couldn't be choosy and stepped inside. For the first time, it felt like he wasn't being watched with either prying or pitying eyes. It sickened him to the core but he wasn't that dense to know that he was considered a famed figure in Soul Society.

He was the ryoka, the person who defeated Aizen, and who saved Soul Society. He was a monster that could defeat most of the captains who had many years of training while he was gifted with strong powers that was trained in such a short time.

He slowly walked towards the futon as he felt his body feeling heavier and heavier by the minute and plopped down ungracefully, head first. He groaned once he let his face fall on the surprisingly soft pillow. He wanted to let everything out. His pain, his anger towards the former enemies and his anger towards himself.

But he didn't get a chance to when he could feel his eyes are glued shut after not resting for so long and body getting heavy. After a long while, he already drifted to sleep.

And he never got a good meal for two whole days.

* * *

* * *

A month has passed and Byakuya hasn't woken up from his coma. It concerned some people greatly but they figured they wouldn't even survive with the kinds of injuries Byakuya had to endure for such a long time.

The gossip of Ichigo breaking down the 4th Division door circulated for Byakuya and honestly, Ichigo was slightly embarrassed about it the more he heard about it. He was even confronted by the 10th Division lieutenant, Matsumoto Rangiku, if it was even true.

After passing out for two days some time ago, Ichigo woke up frantically and immediately asked a staff if they heard anything about the noble's condition and ended up being disappointed when he didn't hear what he wanted to hear but he simply accepted it.

He was visiting the noble everyday before heading out to help other divisions in repairing the buildings. He mostly hangs around with Rukia, Renji and slowly, with Toshiro as well. He never listened to Rukia's advice to rest but he would feel very restless if he didn't do anything useful.

While he was checking something in the 10th Division a jigokucho approached him and his eyebrows furrowed on who it could be. He would rather not do any weird missions or any of the sort right now but despite the reluctance, he lifted up a finger for the butterfly to land. He absorbed what the message told him and let the jigokucho fly away again.

A questioning look was given to him by the 10th Division captain, Hitsugaya Toshiro, that made him wave his hand dismissively, "It was from Kyouraku-san. He said he wanted to talk to me."

"Shouldn't you leave immediately?"

Ichigo frowned, "I think he wants me to do something weird or just kick me out of Soul Society."

"I doubt he would do the latter," the white haired captain said as he fixed his paperwork, "But I expect the former."

The orange head sighed. He knew that Toshiro was talking about it with him because he was urging him to meet the Soutaichou after a long time. He never responded with the first invite that the older man gave him but maybe it was best to talk to him now.

"Fine, I'll get going then," Ichigo said casually.

"Good," the other said but then muttered, "Less headache then."

"I heard that!"

* * *

* * *

"It's nice of you to finally accept my invitation, Ichigo-kun," Kyouraku Shunsui said as he set down the cup filled with hot tea.

Ichigo had to gulp silently as he observed the older man. He had this playful yet solemn expression on his face and he couldn't believe that there was no sake in sight. He was sitting across from the man and nodded as he took a sip of his tea.

It was Juushiro's favorite kind.

"I'm sorry that I took awhile," the orange head said sheepishly.

Kyouraku waved his hand dismissively, "It's fine. I have been busy with so many things to attend to anyways but I'm really glad to see you."

"It's nice to see you well, Kyouraku-san."

The older man chuckled, "As well as I can be, I guess. I do not have any other choice but to be fine."

Silence then fell on them except for Ichigo's shuffling and them drinking tea, it was quiet. They really don't have anything to talk about except perhaps Ichigo's stay in Soul Society.

"Are you planning to ask me to leave here?" Ichigo suddenly asked.

This took the captain commander by surprise that he couldn't help but let out a chuckle, "I have never thought of it. If you want to stay then I'll fight for your residence." he eyed the younger man, "Do you plan to stay here?"

Ichigo looked down at his cup of tea and answered without any hesitation, "Yes. I don't know where I'll sleep but I will stay here."

A small smile formed on the commander's lips, "Good. I'll fight for you then."

"Thanks, Kyouraku-san."

"No worries," the man dismissed, "I bet that's what Juushiro would've wanted too."

Ichigo didn't miss the way Kyouraku mentioned the former captain's name with a strained tone in his voice. It was another tough loss for Kyouraku himself and Soul Society. Hell, it even affects Ichigo because he respected him.

"How's Byakuya?" Kyouraku managed to ask, "I heard the clan elders are starting to get worried."

The orange head frowned when the clan elders, "He's still asleep. The clan elders should be more patient."

Kyouraku looked at him in amusement when he could hear the grit from the orange head's tone, "I have a feeling that you would challenge them if they step out of the line."

The younger shinigami looked away, "You're not wrong."

A quick and frantic knock was heard throughout the room which made Kyouraku drop his lingering smile to a frown but let the person come in the room with how hurried the knocks were.

A shinigami entered looking all sweaty and tired, "I apologize, soutaichou! But I have news." His eyes then looked at Ichigo who was looking back at him with a confused gaze, "Kurosaki-san! It's good that you're here."

The two suddenly wonder what could be something so urgent that needed both of them to hear.

"Kuchiki-taichou has woken up!"

As soon as the words were spoken, Ichigo immediately rose up from his seat and shunpo his way out of the room, ignoring the calls coming from Kyouraku. The commander sighed and told the shinigami to inform Nanao about his whereabouts. He needed to go there as well.

Ichigo arrived at the 4th Division at the speed of light and almost crashed down the doors again. He was already warned by Isane that if he ever broke it down one more time then he would surely get an earful but at that moment, he couldn't care less.

The orange head swiftly walked through the corridors, ignoring the looks people were giving him as he passed by. The only thing in his mind now is to confirm the news and to see the noble in person.

As he got closer, he knew that he wasn't the first one to arrive. He figured that Rukia was informed immediately as soon as Byakuya woke up. Once he arrived, he slowly slid the door open to reveal Rukia and Renji being there and Byakuya sitting up on the bed.

Relief washed over him once he saw the noble sitting there, talking softly to Rukia with a warm look. He had grown thinner and his face was still pale but his eyes weren't as dull as the last time he saw it.

The noble's gaze moved from Rukia to Ichigo who was standing dumbly outside and not even coming inside. He doesn't even know why his feet were glued to the floor and not even budging from his position.

Rukia followed the noble's gaze and her eye slit up in surprise to see a star-struck Ichigo by the door. She knew that he wouldn't move and proceeded to pull him inside.

"Come here already, you fool," she said fondly, "He's already awake and this time you can't enter his room?"

"I-"

Both men were holding each other's gaze intently. The noble's were unreadable for the first time in a while while Ichigo's was surging with so much that he doesn't know what to feel anymore. He approached the man's bed with a watery smile.

"You finally woke up."

The noble slowly formed a small smile, "Yes, I have." He then closed his eyes, "Thank you… for keeping both of your promises."

Something snapped inside Ichigo and he dropped to his knees, desperately gripping onto the bed sheet, "I'm sorry I took so long."

"It doesn't matter, Kurosaki," the noble replied softly, "You came back and I am forever grateful."

Rukia, Renji and the newly arrived Kyouraku were shocked to see such a scene. To see how vulnerable the orange head was and how he didn't care that there were people watching him or perhaps he forgot that there was an audience.

They didn't dare speak a word.

* * *

* * *

Two weeks have passed since Byakuya woke up. They were right when the noble's reaction to losing his favored arm wasn't good. Ichigo couldn't forget the look of despair flashed from the man's face but it disappeared just as quickly. He doesn't know what the noble's thinking and he felt something off.

Ichigo still did his daily visits and it was by chance that Byakuya was awake every time. The orange head couldn't shake off the feeling that something was different with the noble each time he visited.

The man was colder and more distant than before but masked it with brief warmness. He has never done it so for him to do it now was odd. The burning passion in the man's slate gray eyes was slowly dissipating and his actions were even more calculated than ever.

Ichigo was helping Byakuya get back to his feet during the second week because he had been bedridden for so long that his muscles were weak. The orange head noticed the way the noble flinch every time he tried to gently touch him. The noble would refuse any contact unless it was necessary.

Honestly, it hurted him.

But Ichigo wasn't discouraged and continued to help the noble with his own fake smile plastered on his face. He thought he would feel relieved once the man woke up but he thinks that his mind and body felt even heavier now.

Once Byakuya sat back down on his bed, he asked, "Could you get Kotetsu-taichou for me?"

"Sure," the orange head said without hesitation and left the room.

Ichigo walked to the other side of the building as he still wondered what was happening and why couldn't he shake off the feeling at all? It was like a brick sinking down his stomach, something that was so bad that he doesn't even know how to explain it.

He managed to meet Isane when he was on his way to her office and told her that Byakuya was looking for her. She nodded in understanding and the both of them headed back to the noble's room.

"When will I be able to get out?" the noble asked as soon as the two of them arrived.

Isane had a thoughtful look before replying, "You can by next week _if_ you stay at home to rest for another few months. You are not allowed to work unless necessary."

Byakuya frowned, "When can I get back to work?"

"After you heal, of course."

Seeing the look Byakuya was making, she looked over at Ichigo, "And I will only agree to discharge you if you let Ichigo-san look after you at home."

"I have my staff to take care of me. There is no need."

Ichigo flinched at those words.

"Kuchiki-taichou, you can persuade your staff to let you work," She motioned towards the orange head, "On the other hand, he won't let you even if you try."

Byakuya looked at the both of them before closing his eyes and sighing deeply. He had no way out of this unless he abided by the doctor's rules after all.

"...Very well."

* * *

* * *

Isane stayed true to her words and let Byakuya go after another week of staying in the 4th Division. The noble was grateful towards her as he slowly walked out of the division with Ichigo staggering behind.

The orange head felt like that he shouldn't be too close to him right now. It was like there was a large wall between them right now and he didn't know why. He didn't even have the guts to speak to the noble properly right now.

The two of them then walked in silence as they headed towards the manor. Byakuya wasn't even looking at him but Ichigo tried to talk to him despite the clear distance between them.

"I managed to recover Senbonzakura after the dust settled down. Yusuke-san left it in your room."

"Thank you."

Ichigo wanted to rip his hair out when the noble only replied something so simple, leaving no room for a follow up conversation. He doesn't know if he unconsciously did something wrong to him or not.

Once they arrived at the mansion, Byakuya paid no attention to anyone and directly went to his room. He shut it close without any warning and no words were said to Ichigo nor the head staff, Yusuke.

The orange head couldn't help but gaze back at the door to the noble's room wordlessly. He doesn't know what had gotten into Byakuya ever since he woke up but it was definitely something bad.

He couldn't help but think of what to do.

* * *

* * *

Ichigo was ashamed but he told Rukia about his predicament. He was torn to help Byakuya but at the same time, he wanted to leave the man alone. He received so many signals that he was unwanted. The cold glare that he recently just received a few days ago still stuck to his mind.

It was like their relationship went back to zero.

"Follow me," Rukia calmly said as she motioned towards an area in the compound.

She didn't believe the orange at first when he told her about the weird actions that her brother was directing towards him because he acts quite similar to her but she unintentionally witnessed her brother lashing out at Ichigo to the point she felt bad when she saw him flinch wordlessly.

The two then walked to where Rukia pointed. Ichigo doesn't even argue or say anything in response and it worries the woman greatly. It was like that the orange head was even more broken than before and she felt powerless about it.

Ichigo didn't expect to see such a pretty garden once they arrived at where Rukia meant to go. It was smaller and less grand than the garden area in front of the living room and the bedrooms but it was still amazing nonetheless.

At the middle of it was the prettiest where a large sakura tree was standing so proudly. Ichigo was mesmerized with how the petals swayed, some falling ever so slowly to the ground or drifted along with the wind.

"I sometimes come here when my mind is a mess," Rukia admitted after the long silence.

Ichigo gave her a look, "Why are we here?"

She motioned him to follow her as she closed in on the tree, "To help you, of course."

He was confused but proceeded anyways, "Help me? With what?"

Once they stood face to face, she poked his forehead lightly, "I don't know what you're thinking right now but I think your head is a mess."

Ichigo pressed his lips into a thin line. He didn't want to admit that she was right. That he started to blame himself again. It was his fault that Byakuya was being cold to him. It was his fault that he heard the crying families of the fallen a few days ago.

Everything wrong was his own fault.

"One thing I'm sure though is that you're beating yourself up for no reason," she said and faced the tree.

He flinched, "Why are we here then?"

The orange head watched her gently placing her hand on the trunk as she looked up, "I want you to start telling your problems to this tree."

"What?" Ichigo furrowed his eyebrows, "I am _not_ talking to a tree."

Rukia sighed irritably and pulled his hand to place it on the trunk, "There. Feel it first."

Ichigo grumbled but complied anyways and closed his eyes to concentrate. The trunk under his hand was surprisingly warm as if it was filled with life. His eyebrows rose when he felt a familiar reiatsu surrounding it.

"It's nii-sama," Rukia simply stated but Ichigo understood.

The orange head retrieved his hand and opened his eyes, "So, he took care of this?"

"Yes," she replied, "I think you would find comfort in it while everything is still a mess."

When he didn't say anything, she continued, "I know you don't like openly talking to people about your problems so… I hope this can ease your pain just a little bit."

The man didn't know what to say but his gratitude. He thought that he was being discreet about his pain but perhaps since it was slowly growing, it was getting more visible.

"Now sit down," she said as she made the man sit down, "And relax, okay? I'll be back to check up on you two again."

She had a small smile on her face when she eyed the orange head who was looking at the tree with concentration as if he was constructing the words in his head to let it all out to it. Rukia simply shook her head and left him alone.

A few weeks had passed once more.

Ichigo just got back from the quiet session he had with the tree. It was still weird to him that he was talking to it but it relieved him somehow. It wasn't much but with it's help, he didn't feel like suffocating anymore.

As he took a turn, he saw Byakuya out on the porch, staring at the calming pond of the garden. He looked so serene that Ichigo was still mesmerized by the sight of Byakuya simply standing there. Once the man noticed the orange head there, he looked away from the pond and started to walk away. This made the younger man move.

"Why are you avoiding me, Byakuya?" Ichigo called out, "Did I do something wrong?"

That made the noble stop in his tracks as if he was thinking of the right answer. Without looking back, he replied, "You did nothing wrong." He then resumed walking back to his room.

"Then why are you walking away?"

The noble kept on walking without even answering and Ichigo didn't want to drop it so he followed him up until his room. Before the man opened the door, he asked one more time.

"Did I do something wrong?"

The noble slowly turned towards him, face darkening and that sent shivers down the orange head's spine. Byakuya marched towards him and gripped onto the younger shinigami's shihakusho tightly, pulling him close. His slate gray eyes were glowing dangerously.

"You should've left me to die."

This time Ichigo snapped at him and gripped onto the man's kimono that surprised the noble himself, forgetting that the noble still had injuries, "What?! Why would I? Why would I leave you there to die?"

The noble replied harshly, "I didn't deserve to live. I couldn't protect Soul Society."

Anger surged within Ichigo's reiatsu, " _That's_ your reason? For _fuck's_ sake, Byakuya. How dare you say this to me! How could you tell me that I should leave you alone when I did my best to come back to you?!"

"I never asked you to save me."

Ichigo wanted to punch the noble so bad, "It's not whether you ask me or not, I _wanted_ to save you!"

The noble's grip tightened, "What if I wanted to die? What if I wanted to die with my honor left intact, Kurosaki Ichigo?"

The orange head clicked his tongue, "So you'd rather throw your life away for your stupid pride?!"

Byakuya glared at him dangerously, "You know fully well how my pride means so much to me."

"And I think it's bullshit!" Ichigo retorted hotly, "What about your clan? Rukia? Renji? Fuck, even this damn Soul Society? Haven't you thought what they would feel if you fucking disappear?!"

The noble was left speechless and this made Ichigo continue, "For someone so smart, you can be fucking stupid."

Ichigo didn't let go of his grip once he felt the man's grip on him loosened, weakening.

Byakuya whispered in a broken tone and the orange head was surprised that the noble was being vulnerable, "I'm worthless now, Kurosaki Ichigo. The people you had mentioned don't deserve someone as broken as me."

"Tell me, Byakuya. Why do you think you're even broken?"

"Look at me," the noble chuckled bitterly, "I have lost my arm and my physical prowess wasn't as good as before. I even lost my bankai to As Nodt. Am I still even worthy to be a leader? A soldier? A brother?"

It was Ichigo's turn to be speechless. He didn't expect for Byakuya to spill out his feelings right then and there. Him holding it in for a long time and never talking to it with someone has finally broken down his walls.

_He was as lost as I was._

The orange head let out a breath, "Then, you can train to be able to wield your zanpakuto with your left hand. You can start getting stronger again. You can achieve bankai again."

Byakuya chuckled dryly, "It isn't as easy as it sounds."

"It isn't," Ichigo said, "But you can do it. I'm willing to help you in every step of the way and I know Rukia and Renji are willing to do that too."

"...Why?"

Confused, Ichigo returned the question, "Why what?"

"Why do you care so much?"

Why?

"I don't know either," the orange head admitted, "And I don't mind finding shit out while helping you. I promise I won't leave you alone and you know I keep my promises, right?"

The noble was taken aback with how sincere the words and his tone were but he knows that Ichigo wasn't lying. He would be there for him in every step of the way.

"Just… let me help you, alright?" Ichigo said when Byakuya didn't utter a single word, "Let me in for once. I know it's tough and I don't mind if it isn't but please give me a chance."

Byakuya slowly looked up to fix his gaze on the orange head and he wasn't surprised that passionate amber eyes were looking right back at him.

He felt like he didn't deserve it.

He didn't deserve his kindness.

He didn't deserve how supportive Ichigo was.

How patient he has been with him.

But perhaps he'll be selfish for once.

"Byakuya?" Ichigo asked worriedly, "Did you hear me?"

"I did," the other replied, "And yes, I'm willing to do the same to you."

A genuine smile formed on Ichigo's face.

He was lost. The noble was also lost.

But he felt like in their weird relationship, they have found each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you everyone for reading. Hope you enjoyed. Leave comments/kudos? :)
> 
> Read the original/darker version of this story: [Ablaze](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24273658)
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> 
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